I remember when my son was deployed to Afghanistan. It was the spring of 2008. 

I had no idea of what it would be like to be the mother of a deployed Marine.  

What it was:  8 months of wearing an invisible cloak of fear. 

As Andrew was packing up to leave, I tried on his gear and could hardly stand up. 

Letting go of control

I recently found the passage in my journal from that time that reads "this is the ultimate experience in letting go of control." 

I felt powerless about the announcement both my sons made one day 2 years before. 

They said, "Mom, we're going to join the Marine Corps." I burst into tears.

I felt powerless to change their minds. Helpless. No control. Scared. 

And when the news finally came that Andrew would deploy to Afghanistan my worst fears came true. 

When have you felt you had no control over your life?

Have you had events this year that were out of your control? 

If you've had the worst year, what did you do to pull yourself together and get thro...

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the things you did." ~ Mark Twain

Every time I hear this quote, I feel the strong pull of examining what’s going right and what isn’t in my life. I know how important it is to get clear about what I really want. 

Taking stock of your life

Are you on track to not be disappointed with your life?  In other words, are you taking stock of your life and making sure that you have things that really bring you joy? Is this the road that you want?

If your answer is yes, Kudos! What's your plan to make the things that you haven't done yet happen? 

If your answer is no…

Then let’s walk through this together. 

It’s not always easy. 

When life has been cruel, it’s easy to think that you will fail if you try to have the life you've imagined.  Sometimes it’s easier to not think about the things that are messed up in your life.

“Let’s just move on” you might hear yourself say. 

If you've been beaten up ...

Here in the US, we’re less than a week away from Thanksgiving. It’s the time when we're supposed to be thankful for all "our blessings." 

For people who have been to hell and back this year, for those who’ve lost a loved one, for those who have had their hearts ripped out and stomped on, it can be an insensitive thing to hear the words...what are you grateful for? 

Feeling like you have nothing to be grateful for

If you're someone who's had a gut-wrenching year, I can imagine that you’re thinking...I don’t have anything to be grateful for. 

There's been too much heartbreak this year...the unexpected loss of a loved one, the breakup of a marriage, the dramatic ending of a relationship that you didn’t agree to, the exasperation of working a job where the risk is high for covid and with minimal appreciation,  the devastating loss of your house to a fire, and on and on. 

It can just be too much for our psyche and our brains. 

It’s easy to think...life has knocked me down and everyt...

"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward."

C S Lewis

I’m always shocked a bit when I realize that we’re so close to the end of another year. It’s like suddenly there’s talk about what to have for Thanksgiving dinner and what will Christmas be like.

As we inch closer to December 31, we have choices we can make. 

We get to decide how we want the rest of the year to go and how to finish it up. 

And how we want to enter into the new year. 

Whether it's been the toughest year of your life or you've been able to sigh and say, well, it wasn't that bad compared to 2020, I want you to pause for just a second.

And think about the hard parts of 2021. 

Before we can move on to the next step, we have to let go.

It sounds easy, simple. Right?

But when you have a broken heart or you feel crushed by a huge sucker punch life has given you, it is NOT EASY to let go. 

Yet I think we know that if we aren’t ca...

Forgiving yourself involves many things but mostly it has to do with letting go. 

When you can forgive yourself, you are free of the cycle of beating yourself up. 

When something we do hurts someone else or when we make a poor judgment, we can get stuck going round and round, thinking "if only."

We can be harder  on ourselves and not be able to forgive ourselves when we think we've done something "wrong."  We get stuck in shame, especially if we were shamed as children.

I asked a few people this week if they could forgive themselves. 

Sometimes I was met with a puzzled look. Other times, an almost tearful look.

I got these answers:

"I think about it every day"

"I think it's hard"

"I don't know how to forgive myself"

"I never thought about it" 

I realized most of us don't really know how to forgive ourselves. 

I thought about this topic a lot and came up with a few things to think about:

1. It won't help you in any way to hold onto regret. It will only keep you stuck in...

The answer to your best life might be surprising.

We all know it's not about having gobs of money, although having your basic needs met is crucial. 

Yet in this world where people are stressed, anxious, and not happy in jobs that are way too stressful and demanding, it's time to do what we can do and take ultra good care of ourselves. This is what makes an ordinary life the best life.

The secret is that you must love, believe, & nurture yourself

We live in a world where we don't know what will happen with the pandemic or the climate crisis. It's a crazy time in history and by many predictions, it will get worse. 

So...here's the deal. 

There are way too many things out of our control. 

But we do have control over what we say to ourselves.

We can choose to start loving ourselves so that we can be resilient and contribute to helping figure out how to help in our own unique way. 

When we let go of how we think life has to be and really believe in ourselves we have freedom. 

Self-love.

What is it? 

It's different things to different people. 

I think of it as having a high regard for your well-being and happiness. It’s about prioritizing your needs and what you want in life. 

Think about someone you love. 

Close your eyes and bring up a clear image of that person who’s very dear to you, someone you absolutely adore. 

What is it that you love about them? 

Is it their unique way of showing up in the world?   Is it their wit, their generosity, their deep caring for other people? 

Or is it that they're badass and they never give up? 

Take a moment to savor their uniqueness. 

Now. I have a question for you. 

Loving yourself as much as you love others

Do you love yourself as much as you do them? 

Yes? No? 

If you answered yes, what are the similar traits that you have in common with this person?  What you admire in others, you probably have some version of yourself like that. 

If your answer was "no, of course not." I don't love myself as I do th...

Telling someone who loves you and who is trying to help you but isn't really helping what you actually need...well, it's downright hard. 

Having the confidence to say what you need to your friends or family is perhaps one of the most challenging things that we do. 

Because we don’t want to drive them away. We know they have our best interests at heart but...

When you feel funky or overwhelmed and you think you're going to burst into tears, this is when we all need someone who cares to step in...but in the right way.

When you spiral into negative thought patterns

It’s the times when you can’t help yourself.   The negative thoughts take over and bring you down, down to the deep dark hole. 

You say negative things like: 

What's wrong with me?

I hate my life

Why is this happening to me?

I should have...

I can't...

Everybody else does this, why can't I?

STOP. 

Now we're in the hole and we don't know how to get out of the spiral.  

Getting support from your friends and famil...

We all start out curious, unedited. 

We don’t worry about what our bodies look like.  

We know how to eat when we’re hungry and we don't care what anyone thinks of how we dance.

We know how to play without holding back. 

We trust ourselves. 

And then, things change

Well-meaning parents correct their children, wanting them to be their best but what children hear is something else. The child begins to question herself. 

When I was young, I started picking up on messages that I needed to act a certain way because it was really important what others thought of me. 

My young brain heard..."other’s opinions matter more than what I think of myself." 

This version of me at 17 believed that if she was friendly and popular that everyone would like her. 

It was easy for her because that was her nature...friendly and open. 

She knew without being told that it wasn't nice to say things that might upset someone or make them mad. 

She didn't say anything that would rock the boat. 

Oh, ...

Letting go is hard

It doesn't matter whether we're letting go of physical clutter or emotional clutter in our lives. 

It's straight-up hard. 

In exploring around all the edges of what it means to let go of clutter or anything in our lives that we need to let go of...I'm finding one thing to be true. 

It's about fear. 

Letting go involves letting go of your fear. 

A tale of fear

I remember a time way back in 2008 when I began a year-long leadership program.

In our group, we all were all challenged to get clear on our personal strengths so that we could be impactful leaders.  

We began this process by engaging in a high ropes course. 

The high ropes, if you've never participated in one of these intense experiences, helps you discover your personal courage as well as your strengths. 

On the first day of the course, we had to climb up a 25-foot redwood tree. (I'm actually not sure how high it was but let's just say this...it was a mother of a tree and it was tall). 

Once we ...